The Gee Chronicles

Oct 192002

Dear Aaron:

Dr. Robert is too mean-spirited and cruel. He just goes too far. Period.

–Whinging in Wichita

Dear Witchy Woman:

You know, I try to take a well-earned holiday, catch up on my tan, pick the umbrellas out of my drinks, and then my editor has to spoil it by forwarding me letters like this one.

Look buddy, you telling me how to do my job? You see me walk into McDonald’s and tell you you just forgot someone’s pickles? You like to tell people what to do, why don’t you go to Gerard’s table and tell his partners to stop killing him?

Your unhealthy concern for me indicates a grueling regimen of treatment, administered, of course, by me. And just so you don’t think I’m too cruel and mean-spirited, because you’re a desperate case, I will reduce my usual fee1 to $199.99 per session.2 And you can be sure those are dollars well spent, as there are but two people in the world whose professional advice and services justify such a price: Gerard Cohen and myself. Consider yourself fortunate that you live in an age in which it is possible to enlist the services of such expertly trained and thoroughly experienced professionals. Call my office; all major credit cards accepted.

1You don’t want to know.
2A session is 20 minutes.

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