The Gee Chronicles

Dear Doc Bobby,

Why is it that Gee attracts a hundred spectators when playing with and against left feet, while I play against Garozzo and attract less?

–H.E., North Milwaukee, WI

Dear Harmonizer,

Your everyday OKBridge spectator is a fickle mistress, regularly succumbing to instant gratification at the expense of long-term improvement. He’s always thinking, “I can watch Garozzo and learn stuff any time, but I might miss a stix and wheels classic if I leave Gerard’s table!”

Fortunately I have the answer, which is why I’m writing the column and you’re asking the questions. Gerard and Garozzo must form a partnership! Consider the advantages of a double-G pairing. The additional spectators are only the beginning. Gee’s expertise in exotic systems makes him the perfect partner to play Garozzo’s Blue Team Club. And since Garozzo is eligible to represent the United States in international competition, we Americans could just sit back and watch the world championships come rolling in. Shouldn’t this partnership to rival “Meckwell” have happened already? The mere thought of it makes me proud to be an American, even if I’m not licensed to practice here.

Dear Dr. Robert:

When watching Gerard I have heard some spectators refer to his “paranoia” and others to his “delusions of grandeur.” I’m confused. Can one have both at once? If not, who is right? I await the diagnosis of a trained medical professional.

–S.F., Vienna, Austria

Dude,

Do I have to explain everything to you? Consulting the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth ed. ( DSM-IV), we find the following:

Paranoid perceptions and behavior may appear as features of a number of mental illnesses, including depression and dementia, but are most prominent in three types of psychological disorders: paranoid schizophrenia, delusional disorder (persecutory type), and paranoid personality disorder (PPD). Individuals with paranoid schizophrenia and persecutory delusional disorder experience what is known as persecutory delusions: an irrational, yet unshakable, belief that someone is plotting against them. Persecutory delusions in paranoid schizophrenia are bizarre, sometimes grandiose, and often accompanied by auditory hallucinations. Delusions experienced by individuals with delusional disorder are more plausible than those experienced by paranoid schizophrenics; not bizarre, though still unjustified. Individuals with delusional disorder may seem offbeat or quirky rather than mentally ill, and, as such, may never seek treatment.

“Sometimes grandiose”: that enough for you? The manual continues:

Persons with paranoid personality disorder tend to be self-centered, self-important, defensive, and emotionally distant. Their paranoia manifests itself in constant suspicions rather than full-blown delusions. The disorder often impedes social and personal relationships and career advancement. Some individuals with PPD are described as “litigious,” as they are constantly initiating frivolous law suits. PPD is more common in men than in women, and typically begins in early adulthood. Symptoms include:

• Suspicious; unfounded suspicions; believes others are plotting against him/her
• Preoccupied with unsupported doubts about friends or associates
• Reluctant to confide in others due to a fear that information may be used against him/her
• Reads negative meanings into innocuous remarks
• Bears grudges
• Perceives attacks on his/her reputation that are not clear to others, and is quick to counterattack

Spectators at Gerard’s table may find this list familiar. Although treatment is available, the Manual cautions that it “is difficult because the person’s traits make it difficult to form a professional relationship. The health care provider should respect interpersonal distance, and avoid defensiveness or attempts at humor.” You people on the honor roll, are you listening? No attempts at humor. Didn’t your parents teach you any manners at all?

Dear Dr. Robert:

You’re partnering Gee. He goes down in an ice cold game contract. After the hand he accuses you of overbidding. What’s the best reply?

–Angry in Angola

Dear Angie,

Apologize. You are clearly misanalyzing the hand, because if it were ice cold an expert would never go down. Therefore you must have overbid to put him there. I recommend the following books to correct your bidding deficiencies, in order of increasing importance: Develop Your Bidding Judgement, by Terrence Reese, Points Shmoints, by Marty Bergen and of course Bridge Is a Conversation, by Gerard Cohen. These groundbreaking works will help you form winning bidding fundamentals, and sharpen your decision making so you don’t embarrass Gee like that again. Remember, just because you’ve seen Gerard make a bid doesn’t mean that you can do it too, at least not until you develop his table presence and feel.

Dear Dr. Robert:

Playing with Gerard, I recently recorded a plus result over twenty hands. Does this mean that God loves me?

–Mystified in Missoula

Dear Misty,

Yes. Yes it does. I am inspired to compose a hymn to the occasion:

Blessed be he
Who plays with Gee;
Who takes the fall
To amuse us all.
You won! You won!
Enough, be done!
Don’t run amok
And press your luck.

Dear Dr. Robert:

You’re in spec at Gee’s. He knows you’re there and calls up to invite you to play. You want to protect your Lehmans on the one hand and continue to spec on the other. What do you do?

–S.G., Tampa, FL

Hey S.G.,

Don’t I know you from somewhere? Maybe not. In any case, you’ll be pleased to know you have several options in this awkward situation.

1. The “crash and burn” approach. Say, “I would be happy to play with you Gee, but that family of crows nesting in your hair knows more about the game than you do.” Sure, you will miss out forever on the joys of speccing at Gee’s table, but there are convenient places to keep up with the goings-on, and at least you will go down in a glorious flaming wreck that all will enjoy watching.

2. The “feed the ego till it can’t eat no more” approach. Say “The pleasure would be all mine, but you expert types intimidate me, and your play is so enjoyable to watch from above that I’ll just stay up here thanks.” It’s like giving your dog a nice juicy t-bone steak straight from the table. You just know that every night from then on he will be begging right at your side come dinner time. Roll over ego, roll over…Gooooooood ego.

3. The “I want to be famous” approach. Accept the invitation. I know it sounds like suicide, but consider: scientific study had demonstrated that Gee’s Lehmans are right around 30. So say you indulge in some matchpoints with Gee, you have a Lehman of 50, and the opponents are 55ers. You only need a 100(30+50)/(30+50+55+55) = 8000/190 = 42.1% game to break even, so you can take your average minuses with pride! And being tight with the G-ster has its perks. He can be your link into the expert community to meet Rodwell and Helgemo and all the others, and if you’re really lucky he’ll give you a discount on his e-book once he has deduced to his satisfaction that you need it. Finally, playing with Gee gives you the power to induce some memorable post mortems for all the specs to enjoy. Trust me, they will appreciate it.