Jan 032003
 

Dear Dr. Robert:

I’ve lost all my students. No money is coming in. I’ve bought a gun and I’m debating whether to use it on Aaron or myself. I’m at the end of my rope. What should I do?

–G.C., Costa Mesa, CA

Dear Pathos,

Yes, my holiday was very pleasant. Restful. Thanks for asking.

First, don’t use the gun on Aaron. I can’t stress this enough. I’m not saying there’s any special medical reason you shouldn’t use the gun on Aaron, but Aaron wouldn’t like it, and he is my editor after all.

What you should do instead is consider what the world would be like if you had never been born. Hundreds of people watch you on OKBridge. On New Year’s Eve alone, if your spectators had been out on the road, it’s highly likely, statistically, that there would have been another traffic fatality, or injury, or at least a fender-bender. Then your students — who would have imparted the ins and outs of captain-crew theory to them if not you? What about poor Mr. Gower, the pharmacist? He would have poisoned that boy if you hadn’t been johnny-on-the-spot to catch his mistake. Oh wait, that was someone else. In any case, you catch my drift. Keep your chin up, and remember, no man is poor who still has friends. Also, every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.

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